


Tomorrow, I Will Be Okay

by psychethelliec



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: !Trigger warning, Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, Mental Disorders, Psychological, Romance, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-29 00:40:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14461326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychethelliec/pseuds/psychethelliec
Summary: Hi! I know it's been a while since the last time I posted something in AO3. I just went through a lot lately that I couldn't write at all, but I am back now so here's a two-shot fic.Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. The plot of this story was inspired by an article I've read on Facebook and thought it would be a chance for me to have a voice on this (you'll know after reading the fic) topic. If there's something wrong I've said, please let me know and I will do my best to correct it.PS: Please read at your own risk.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I know it's been a while since the last time I posted something in AO3. I just went through a lot lately that I couldn't write at all, but I am back now so here's a two-shot fic.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. The plot of this story was inspired by an article I've read on Facebook and thought it would be a chance for me to have a voice on this (you'll know after reading the fic) topic. If there's something wrong I've said, please let me know and I will do my best to correct it.
> 
> PS: Please read at your own risk.

Chinen’s eyes squinted as a reaction when he finally felt the sunrays that had been hitting him on the face for almost an hour—but he was such in a deep sleep to be bothered—disturbing him from his very much needed sleep.

He groaned as he stretched out his petite figure while yawning like a dog and then sat up. He looked up at his wall clock and it was just thirty minutes before eight in the morning, making him groan because he initially planned to sleep until noon since it was a Sunday, but failed because he loved—not anymore—leaving his curtains open during Spring. Who wouldn't when you have a Cherry Blossom tree before the building you were staying at?  


He got up from the comfort of his bed and stood by the window to greet the tree that was green a season ago but became pink a good morning.  


“Good morning, Sakura-chan!”  


He smiled widely like he forgot he didn’t get his target number of hours of sleep and like the tree would greet him back. His phone then rang and he turned to look where it was coming from to know the location of where he left the phone before he slept because he couldn't honestly remember anymore. He last looked at his nightstand and saw his phone on top while flashing the ugly, fat face of his best friend and hurried towards it.  


“Yamada Fucking Ryosuke!” he screamed as soon as he answered the call, making Yamada to put his phone away because it was annoying to hear a screaming Chinen first thing in the morning.  


“You don't need to shout at me so early in the fucking morning, Yuri,” he ranted, but his voice was quiet and weak like someone who was down with fever.  


The realization that Yamada might not be in the mood made Chinen to bite his lower lip as he honestly felt bad for being too hyper despite or perhaps due to the lack of sleep and the fact Yamada was clearly not okay.  


“I am sorry, Ryosuke...” he apologized, feeling guilty and sad at the same time because Yamada was not in the proper condition to match with his being hyper.  


Yamada sighed on the other line. “Not a big deal, Yuri.”  


“Are you okay? You sounded off when I first heard you talk.”  


“I am perfect. No need to worry.”  


_Lie_ , thought Chinen as it wasn’t the first time Yamada failed to conceal his feelings from him.  


“Now, can you greet Sakura-chan a good morning for me?”  


Chinen pouted as he unwillingly marched back to his window.  


“Don’t pout now, Yuri,” teased Yamada while giggling.  


“How did you even know I was—” Chinen stopped and shook his head as he remembered it wasn’t the first time Yamada did that. “Never mind! You are just going to tell me how being together since childhood molded your telepathic skills. But at least say good morning to me first, mou!”  


“But you shouted at me first instead of greeting me!” Yamada protested.  


Chinen scrunched his face and was feeling annoyed, flipping Yamada off as if he could see. Well, he wished he could see because _fuck_ him!  


“Yuri, I know you too well not to tell what you are doing on the other line.”  


“Whatever!” Chinen cried. “Ryosuke wanted to tell you ‘you suck’, Sakura-chan!” he shouted at the tree and flipped it off as well.  


“Hey! That’s not—”  


“Did you just call to tell Sakura-chan it sucks? Because if it is, I have done my part already and I will hang up to get some “adulting” stuff like doing my laundry and the groceries!”  


Yamada laughed hard and it somehow made Chinen laugh as well because he knew it was true and not some feigned laugh just to cover up for his lies that he was okay and there was nothing to worry about.  


“But I bought 2 bus tickets that will arrive by 9:30 going to Shizuoka because I need the ocean today and I need it with you. Always.”  


Chinen couldn’t help but blush at what Yamada said. He cleared his throat before answering, “C-can you stop having “emergency” trips because they always get in the way with my responsibilities as a responsible adult.”  


“Just say you cannot resist it. You cannot resist me, Yuri. Besides, your responsibilities as an adult can wait, this cannot. Get me?”  


Chinen frowned but just brushed it off as it wasn’t making so much sense for him. “Okay, okay. I’ll pack up and get ready.”  


“Let’s meet at Shinjuku?”  


“No problem with me, though I am still wondering why you chose the bus than train. That’s like three hours and more to get there.”  


“We love taking the bus for our trips is why, Yuri.”  


Chinen rolled his eyes with a smirk. “Okay, whatever you say. See you in a while, then.”  


“Un. Jaa.”  


Chinen and Yamada grew up together. It started when Chinen transferred to where Yamada was attending his grade school during second grade. They eventually became friends and started going to school together when they both realized they lived one block away and they were most of the time in the same class as well, so when their friendship became well established, they could hardly be separated and attended the same schools even in middle school until college. They just got separated since they started pursuing their respected careers. Chinen was an acrobat instructor to high school students, whereas Yamada was a cook in a Japanese restaurant. Having spent lesser time together caused them to make an agreement about meeting and going out on trips once in a while and it was mandatory. Besides, they have been together since they were kids and mandating their trips to catch up on each other was not a problem at all, no matter how busy they were in their own personal lives. Therefore, it wasn’t a lie when Yamada told Chinen he couldn’t resist him because aside from the trip being mandatory, Chinen felt Yamada needed the trip so much and he needed him to be with him. They only had each other after all.

 

 

When they both met at the station, they grabbed some snacks from Family Mart and ate it while waiting for the bus to arrive.  


“It’s rare for us to have a day trip,” Chinen started before he took a bite off of his onigiri, Yamada seated next to him.  


“I just realized how unfair the night trip is for me. You get to sleep while I cannot and that leaves me no one to talk to when I want to talk,” said Yamada as a matter of fact.  


“But that doesn’t guarantee you I won’t sleep on a day trip.” Chinen made a face while sticking his tongue out, causing Yamada to giggle while ruffling his hair. “For your information, I didn’t get enough sleep earlier plus a certain someone called me first thing in the morning to greet a fucking tree! Did you even know I planned to sleep until noon, but I woke up around 7:30?!”  


“I am sure I am not the one who woke you up and you always get jealous of Sakura-chan, Yuri,” stated Yamada while wrapping an arm around Chinen’s shoulders.  


“Because you talk about the tree like...like it has life.”  


“Of course, it has life. It’s a fucking tree, Yuri.”  


Chinen looked at him sideways as he threw him daggers for making him look so stupid when it wasn’t what he tried to imply. “What I am trying to say is does that tree accompany you to places you want to go? Can you do things with it? Did you grow up with it? No, right? It’s there but basically knows nothing about you. How dare you toss me aside like the tree is a fucking priority?”  


Yamada just beamed at him while shaking his head. He pulled Chinen closer to him and patted him on his head few times like he was consoling a pet, _his_ pet. “You’re cranky. I’ll let you take a nap later, but not the entire trip, okay?”  


Chinen rolled his eyes at him before he broke into a good laugh. Most of the times, their conversations could get crazy and they could make them crazy as well, but it was their normal conversation and it was normal for them to annoy each other. Besides, they knew each other, even the back of their hands, to even let their annoyance get into them.  


Almost half an hour went by and the bus finally arrived. They were seated almost at the end part and Yamada took the window side with Chinen next to him. They were quiet and were honestly minding their own business, even after the bus took off and hadn’t talked to each other since the last conversation they had at the station except that one time Yamada told Chinen to sit down while he put their bags in the compartment above their seats.  


Chinen was still so sure something was bothering Yamada’s head for him to shift mood so instant. Although it was normal for him to just suddenly go quiet as he pleased, something was definitely bothering him he sometimes found it hard to conceal. Because, usually, he would try his very best to be his normal self to avoid making him worried. Moreover, Yamada wasn’t the type to let his feelings obvious to him unless it was something he couldn’t handle anymore.  


He looked at Yamada from the corner of his eyes and he was just looking outside while he fiddled with his fingers on his lap. He completely turned his head at him and leaned forward to see what face he was making, and he didn’t even try to be less obvious at all.  


Yamada jumped a little when he noticed Chinen looking at him and he frowned to question him of what he was doing.  


Chinen just looked at him for a while, examining his entire face and at the same time appreciating his good features, before he shook his head a little with a smile, telling him there was nothing. “Just wanna check if you’re still alive.”  


Yamada beamed back—his eyes’ expression changed into something Chinen couldn’t paint— as he lifted his left arm to reach to him and ran his knuckles on the side of his face. “Gladly, I _still_ am,” he said with a tight-lipped smile.  


Chinen’s smile turned into a grin as he felt ticklish, but at the same time overwhelmed with the gentle touches. Yamada always touched him with so much care like he was the most fragile thing in the world.  


Yamada then lean Chinen’s head on his shoulder, mumbling, “Sleep if you want.”  


“I’m going to play a game to get to sleep,” said Chinen as he grabbed his phone from his pocket while he shifted his head to a more comfortable position on Yamada’s shoulder.  


Yamada didn’t say anything anymore as his eyes went back to look outside while Chinen played. Usually, they would play together, but Chinen didn’t ask him anymore as it was obvious he was not in his best condition. Even if Chinen wanted to ask him about what happened to him to be like that, he won’t just spill the beans and it was something he was used to already because what was their long friendship for? Besides, if Yamada wanted to talk about it, he would just be there next to him, literally and figuratively and that was already a common knowledge for Yamada.  


Twenty minutes into playing and Chinen already started yawning and blinking his eyes to stop the sleepiness, but Yamada next to him noticed it and he put his hand down on Chinen’s lap to get his attention.  


Chinen put the game on pause and slightly shifted his head upwards to look at Yamada. “Hai?”  


“You’re sleepy,” stated Yamada as he shoved his hand in front of Chinen, gesturing him to give his phone to him, so he could nap, and Chinen did.  


Chinen then tucked his right hand inside his sweater’s pocket as he felt Yamada moved, but he didn’t mind it as he was ready to succumb into the slumber that awaited him. A little later, he saw Yamada brought out his IPod and started untangling the annoying notches of his earbuds. Once done, he put on the other pair in his right ear, hearing a familiar ballad song and it immediately made him feel relaxed. He smiled as he closed his eyes, remembering that time Yamada told him that he had a playlist full of ballad songs because they helped him clear his head from whatever he was thinking. And Chinen had experienced it himself and it was true.  


He was nearly dozing off when he suddenly felt a familiar hand slipped through the gaps of his tiny fingers and filled them in with warmth and comfort. He even felt the warmth spreading through his body and it made him feel secured and so comforted...and so sleepy because he felt so in peace to feel his hand being held like there was no letting go, as if their hands were made to fit into those gaps so perfectly.  


They didn’t say anything to each other because it was just a normal thing for them to do. They even did it without thinking as their hands moved to be drawn to each other’s hand like there was some electrical force pulling them together. They didn’t see something wrong with it as they didn’t feel anything wrong about it, therefore it was okay. It was right. No question needed. No explanation needed because even they couldn’t explain it beyond _“It is just normal for us to hold hands”_.  


Ever since their high school, they already had that _unspoken_ thing between them. Yes, they were best friends, but they both also knew that “best friends” was not enough to describe how they saw each other because they knew it was beyond that, but it was something they couldn’t even label or name. Moreover, it was not something the two of them had talked about, ergo being unspoken, because they didn’t know the right question to ask or where would they even start questioning. After all, everything they did together was just normal for them that it needed neither question nor explanation. Perhaps because there were just things they could understand but couldn’t explain. And some things they didn’t need to label.

 

 

They arrived at the beach resort in Shizuoka by lunchtime and there was no doubt their stomachs had been screaming for food. They checked in to the hotel they wouldn’t stay in for the night but just for them to have a secured place where they could leave their stuff before they went down to feed themselves with some worthy meals at a veranda where the panorama of the beautiful beach was before them.  


“How did you know about this place, Ryosuke?” Chinen asked to break the silence that was starting to become too much for him to handle while they waited for their meals to arrive.  


Yamada cleared his throat, perhaps dried because he hadn’t talked for a long time, as he licked his dried lips. “A friend from my work recommended me this place. Too bad we couldn’t stay for the night. I should have bought the bus tickets earlier, so we can spend the weekend off here.”  


Chinen nodded in agreement. “We can do that next time and we can go back whenever we want. It’s not like it’s the last time, right? Besides, I can feel this place is where we will keep coming back.”  


Yamada looked into his eyes for a while and Chinen was in no doubt drowning in his eyes. When he smiled and reached out to hold his hand above the table, Chinen felt the warmness again from the contact, but it wasn’t calming. It wasn’t putting his mind at peace. He felt Yamada squeeze his hand, but nothing was feeling all right. There had been few times he felt not right about their trip—not right in a way that he felt there was _another_ reason for it, and not just for Yamada to unwind and feel better—but he didn’t know what made him feel that. There was something else and he hated how he couldn’t name it or how he couldn’t see it _yet_.  


Chinen looked into Yamada’s eyes as well with the hope the saying _‘the eyes are the windows to ones soul’_ would apply. He wanted to know what was bugging him because he wouldn’t be less talkative if it wasn’t some serious shit and he wanted to let him know that he was just there for him. He had been gathering his courage to ask and confront Yamada, but he hadn’t gathered enough and he didn’t want to ruin the trip by ruining Yamada’s mood even more.  


_Timing._  


“Right,” Yamada replied quite late, giving Chinen’s hand another but longer squeeze while smiling, sweetly.  


Chinen smiled back and decided that he would try to push the worries aside for a while, just what he usually did. He wanted to make the most of their time together and make Yamada feel better because the trip was all about him. For that moment, he would put them aside and let Yamada bring it up first. After all, Yamada would spill the beans once he felt the need.  


They finished their lunch after an hour and felt satisfied and rewarded with how delicious seafood was served in the resort. Instead of the lunch being covered in silence, they both couldn’t help not to express their emotions about how good the food was for them, considering the fact that they would choose seafood all the time, if possible.  


“Wanna go back to the room to get some rest before we start the activities?” asked Yamada as he stood from his chair and offered Chinen a hand in which the latter gladly accepted.  


“Don’t you want to walk by the beach? It may be nicer for our digestion plus that beautiful view. What do you think?”  


Chinen pressed his lips together as he prayed inside that Yamada wouldn’t reject his invitation and be told he’d rather stay in the room and have him walk by the beach alone.  


“That sounds nicer.” Yamada beamed at Chinen as he gripped his hand tighter to walk out from the restaurant to the beach.  


They started to walk in silence, hands entangled, as they drowned themselves in the beauty of the scenery before them. It wasn’t the same silence that was becoming overwhelming for Chinen. Rather, it was the silence that made him feel that Yamada was with him and he was with him—they were together. It was calming again and relaxing, even. The sound of the ocean and the almost inaudible cries of happiness from the other visitors from the good distance created a great melody in their ears that gave them the serenity they needed as they drifted away from the toxicity of the city and were able to ponder on some personal matters in their own separate lives. Sometimes, they would even sing a song together and would crack up when they forgot or sang the wrong lyrics. However, when the silence covered them again, Chinen had to break it because the worry and the questions started filling up his head again even if he had already decided to put them aside like usual. It was just difficult to ignore when Yamada was with him and he could see the changes in his behavior.  


“Ryosuke...” Chinen called.  


“Hmm?” Yamada hummed in response, his eyes locked on the ocean.  


“I’m not sure if this is the great timing, but we grew up together and I know you more than anyone else and you to me. I mean, we have been together for almost our entire lives. I run to you when I need you and you always make sure to help me and make me feel happy. However, you—”  


Yamada butted in, exclaiming, “Yuri, look! A starfish!”  


Chinen held Yamada’s hand tighter and gently yanked his arm to pull him closer to him, making sure Yamada would set his eyes on him and ignoring the starfish, if there really was, “Listen to me, Ryosuke...”  


Yamada looked downcast. “Please, Yuri?”  


When he looked up at Chinen again, his eyes were blank—emotionless—but Chinen could feel how much he was begging to just brush all the negativity off and just have fun. However, Chinen felt he needed to give a little more push for Yamada to spill the beans because if he wouldn’t say it, then when?  


“No, Ryosuke. Please?”  


Yamada sighed as he looked away while scratching the back of his head to nonverbally convey to Chinen he was starting to become pissed. Meanwhile, Chinen thought it was his act of submission, of finally giving up on keeping his emotions bottled inside him, of finally letting all his guards down. However, instead of hearing Yamada talk, he rather held his head still by his nape and closed their gaps to kiss him gently on the lips—much to his surprise.  


Chinen wasn’t surprised by the fact Yamada kissed him. He was more surprised with the reason that he didn’t expect he would kiss him just to run away and to lead him astray. Kissing was part of their unspoken thing. No question and explanation needed. They just did it because there was nothing wrong, but he wanted Yamada to stop running away and to face whatever problems he had with him. However, Yamada seemed not to pull away from the kiss as he made it longer, much sweeter, purposely to destroy all the worries and questions inside Chinen. And when he deepened the kiss, Chinen smiled a little as he wrapped his arms around him, savoring the moment and completely not minding the presence of other people because they were nonexistent in their own world to begin with.  


_There are still a lot of days ahead to ask you and today is not the only day I have, so I will try to push everything aside and just focus on being with you, Ryosuke._  


Yamada slowly pulled away with a smile plastered on his face, leaving their foreheads connected while his eyes still closed. He slowly breathed in and out, in sync with Chinen, to calm the overwhelming feelings and the fourth of July in his chest. He was running his thumb on Chinen’s cheek and when he opened his eyes, he was looking up at him with his eyes glistening and so was his.  


They smiled at each other before they decided to go back to the hotel to get changed and start their day, hands still intertwined.

 

 

Time was running and Yamada, much to Chinen’s delight, was starting to get back to his own self. He brightened up. He started to talk more and to laugh more. He started to crack jokes like he usually did and Chinen still laughed at them without failure. There was no longer silence and he felt more connected with him. He was no longer distant. He was _with_ him. Indeed, Yamada only needed the sea and things would turn up. He bottled up all emotions and feelings that even if it was already a common knowledge for him that Chinen would always be there for him, he would keep still all things inside him and would solve them all by himself. He was good in concealing his issues because with just one flash of smile he could buy anyone into believing he was fine. Besides, pretending had been an easy thing for him even if he knew it wasn’t that way with Chinen. Chinen saw through him all the time even if he didn’t say anything. With just the tone of his voice or a change in behavior or mood, Chinen would know it all and although he wouldn’t know the exact thing that was going on inside his head, it was always enough for him to strive to get by on the next day because he knew he had Chinen who understood him even in silence and he could see him through his façade—through his lies and his pretentions. Chinen just knew how much he hated talking about negative things that was why he didn’t always ask or confront him. Only when he knew it was too much.  


_When it is too much._  


They spent the day making sure that the 3 hours and so they travelled to the beach would be worth it. The entire day, Chinen got even more and more surprised with Yamada’s revelations. He tried parasailing with him. He tried jumping off a cliff with him. He even tried the zipline with him. He tried them all like he didn’t grow up with the fear of heights. He did all the things he used to fear. He conquered them one-by-one and assured the worried Chinen that everything would be all right. And Chinen was nothing but surprised and at the same time proud because he knew Yamada would get to enjoy more in the future because he had conquered his fear in their trip.  


_What’s with you today, Ryosuke? Doing things you once feared like it was the only chance left._ Chinen secretly smiled while shaking his head. _I will get you ride the rollercoaster soon! Wait for it!_ He laughed a devil laugh inside his head as he couldn’t help not to remember that one time he forced Yamada into riding the rollercoaster and he ended up crying while on it meanwhile Chinen was next to him laughing his ass out. _He didn’t talk to me for almost a week after that, mou!_

The last activity they had was spending an hour and a half surfing through the sunset. It was a beautiful view that they had to stop and sat on their surfing boards on the water while watching the sunset. There was silence but once again it was calming. It was peaceful and they both felt all right. And of course, no sunset would end without sweet nothings because as soon as they both felt relaxed, the sky starting to dim as it lost its source of light, Yamada couldn’t help himself but to draw their faces toward each other and then intertwine their lips, savoring the sweetness and at the same time the taste of the sea in the kiss. If they could just kiss the entire night, they would, but it seemed like the sea disagreed with them that when the wave hit them, they fell in the water, breaking off their romantic moment under the sunset.  


They went back to their hotel room for a shower after the darkness embraced the sky. And as the cold water was running down their bodies, they started to feel their body aching from all the activities they had done all throughout the day, but it was nothing compared to the happiness and the contentment they both were feeling. After the shower, they had their dinner and went back to the beach and sat by the shore to spend the few hours left before they needed to go back to the station and get back to reality the next day.  


“Ryosuke,” Chinen started as he turned to Yamada beside him.  


Yamada looked at him and raised his brows. “Hmm?”  


“We did a lot of things today and I saw how you conquered your fears, but we honestly didn’t have the chance to talk like we usually do. I want to take this chance to catch up and ask you how you’re doing in life or at work or basically in life.”  


Yamada sniffed as he pulled his folded legs up close to his chest. “My life?”  


Chinen nodded.  


“Well...” Yamada looked up to think as he didn’t know what to answer because asking how he was doing was one of the most difficult questions to answer. He then looked down to the sand and started drawing random figures with his index finger. “Life’s fine, I guess. It’s just the usual and always the same. I get up in the morning to get to work and then go home after shift and sometimes I will drink out with some of my workmates. The cycle just keeps repeating every day. Oh! And sometimes I go to the gym and mom’s still the same. I went to visit her yesterday, though.”  


“I-I see...” Chinen nodded his head, as he knew inside him that was what Yamada would answer. It was almost always his answer except that he started going to the gym again. “Is work okay? Hectic? Demanding? Stressful? What...”  


“We are busy lately since its peak season and a lot of tourists are coming to the restaurant, but I am coping up.”  


“That’s good to hear, but do you still have time to go out? I mean, I barely heard from you this month and this is the only time I get to properly see you and be with you again.”  


“Sometimes, I’d go out. There were times I wanted to call you, but I was so afraid I might get in the way with your work or your personal life. I mean, it’s just different now for us that we are adults.”  


Chinen blinked, feeling a tightening in his chest, but he tried to smile it away. “But it’s still the same for us. It’s just that the older we get, the more we get busy in our lives, but nothing much has changed, right? You can still call me anytime, Ryosuke.”  


Yamada stopped drawing figures as he looked up at Chinen with a small smile. “Right.”  


“Right,” Chinen parroted and tried to fake a smile while looking away because he suddenly felt the fear to question himself if there were any changes between them and with their relationship. Because for a relationship that had been going on since childhood, change would surely be the most feared. Fear that one day you’d wake up and it was all different and you couldn’t go back anymore.  


“How about you, Yuri? How’s work? Or life, basically?” Yamada chuckled midway his sentence because he purposely imitated how Chinen asked him.  


Chinen pouted. “I tell you everything, Ryosuke. Why are you still asking?”  


“Well...for the sake of the conversation?”  


They both looked at each other and laughed, Chinen hitting Yamada on the shoulder.  


“Next topic!”  


“But, really, how are you? It’s given you text me or call me all the time to tell me everything, but _how_ are you?”  


Chinen sighed and gave up. Besides, he knew how good it felt whenever they talked in person than through text messages. “I am still good as what I texted you last time and pretty much similar with you. Cycle just keeps repeating like we are some kind of machines being controlled, but who can we blame? That’s just life for us. We are still together, though we live a little far from each other now. And why are we not dating anyone? Why are we getting older with being contented of having just the two of us? It’s not like it’s a problem for me because I prefer this than anything else, to be honest, Ryosuke.”  


“And I prefer this and will choose this more than anything else, Yuri.”  


There was a silence between them afterwards as they both pondered about the reality of what they said, their eyes interlocked. They had been together since second grade and never once they experienced dating anyone or even getting attracted to anyone. They went on with their lives separately and together, but they couldn’t find that reason to get to know someone in ways deeper than how they knew each other. They got contented with having each other that they failed to see others.  


“By the way, you’ll be turning 25 this coming Wednesday,” Chinen said as he broke off his gaze with Yamada and moved closer to him, their skin touching. “Any plans?”  


Yamada shrugged. “No plans at all. I am turning 25 and it’s not like my birthday still excites me that it needs planning. I mean, let’s just be together and spend the day normally. Or maybe you can cook for me?” He grinned while raising his eyebrows, playfully.  


Chinen pouted as he crossed his arms, ignoring his suggestion to cook because it was obviously to tease him. “Does turning 25 make people like that? Taking away all the excitement and anticipation? I mean, last year we were so excited planning for your birthday and you were looking forward to it.”  


“Not really, but I just realized to just let the time flow on its own and let fate plan for us or for me on my day.”  


“You’re turning 25 and not turning old. Last time, you gave me those clothes you used to wear with your reason that they didn’t fit you well anymore. You gave me the necklace that your mother gave you before… _it_ and told me that it would be safer if I was the one wearing it. I mean, you were giving me those things you used to treasure. Tell me, does turning 25 make you do those? Is it the age where you can make a new beginning? Because that’s what it’s like to me, Ryosuke. And earlier, I was beyond astonished to hear you wanted to try all those things you once feared—parasailing, zipline, jumping off a cliff. You did things today as if it was the last time, though I am so proud of you, but is 25 the deadline wherein you need to conquer or achieve so much and be matured like you do not have any other chance after that?”  


“Yuri...” Ryosuke could only mumble his name as he didn’t know what to say. He was getting Chinen’s point, but what could he do? He had _things_ already decided and he couldn’t just change it.  


“Ryosuke, when we were young, I remember there was this one time a teacher asked us about how long we think we will live in this world. A lot answered they were not in the position to say it, but you answered ‘Maybe until 25 or earlier. Who knows?’ Up until now I am trying to see the meaning behind it. Can you tell me the right way to look at it?”  


Chinen could feel the tightening at the back of his throat and although he wanted to cry because his head was a mess at that moment and that he was annoyed because he had so many suggestions in his head for Yamada’s birthday, he would reschedule the burst of his emotions and the unexplainable stress he was feeling inside.  


Yamada exhaled secretly as he reached a hand to hold Chinen’s face. He looked at him for few seconds before he smiled. “Hey...” he cooed.  


Chinen shook his head, laughing while feeling the sudden and quick tingling sensation in his stomach when he heard Yamada coo. It wasn’t the voice that made him stop asking, but because he knew Yamada would just lie again.  


He sighed before holding Yamada’s both hands holding his face. “Don’t mind me, Ryosuke. Let’s celebrate your birthday however you want, okay? It’s not like it’s the last because we still have a lot to do in the future. But I just want you to know, and I will always remind you, that you have me. You _always_ have me, Ryosuke. You are not alone, all right? Even if you don’t talk about anything that might be weighing you down, I can feel it. I see through you. That’s just like what you’re always telling me that our being friends since childhood increases the likelihood to have telepathic skills. That’s why I don’t say anything unless you are the one bringing it up because I know how much you don’t like sad stories and it doesn’t mean I don’t give a fuck about what you’re going through. I give a lot of fuck about those shits and I give a lot of fuck about you, but I respect you at the same time. I believe in your timing, even if it leaves lots of questions in my head. I will not say anything unless you start it and the least thing I can do is to be beside you no matter what. I am with you through all the shits, right?”  


Yamada could feel the tears pooling behind his eyes and he felt like there was no way he could stop them from coming out. Chinen always said the kindest words to him—words that would give him more courage and hope, words that would be the reason why he chose to live every day, and words that were enough to hold on to whenever he felt like letting go. Besides, Chinen was always true to his words and he felt it all the time and he was thankful. If there was one person he would thank for ever coming in his life, it would be Chinen because he accepted him and stayed through his good and worst times.  


When Chinen saw the tears rolled down Yamada’s face one after the other, he pulled him into a tight embrace and just let him to let out those emotions he had been trying to hide through a good cry. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t tell him to stop crying because things would turn up eventually. Rather, he let him cry out all the bottled up emotions because it was always after a good cry would he feel the baggage weighing him down being lifted.  


Yamada was the first one to pull away after who knew how long of hugging as he wiped his face with his hands. He couldn’t help but to laugh at what just happened. He wasn’t the type to cry on something like that, but he admitted to himself that there was no way he wouldn’t cry at what Chinen told him. There was no way he wouldn’t cry to Chinen. He heard the same words over and over again and there was the feeling of hurt, of tightening in the chest, when he heard those words.  


_God, I don’t deserve a man like Yuri._  


A few minutes of silence between them passed and Yamada had calmed himself down. Chinen then held him on his arm and yanked it down to pull him closer once again and not to pull him into his arms, but to give him a quick but gentle kiss on the lips. It surprised Yamada a little, but he wasn’t too gobsmacked not to pull Chinen in for another kiss—longer and much sweeter.  


“We need to start leaving,” Chinen tried to mumble in the kiss, causing Yamada to pull away with a smile on his face.  


“Great timing!” Yamada sarcastically screamed into the air while he stood up. He offered a hand to Chinen, but instead of holding his hand, he was being held on his arm.  


“Ryosuke, before we leave...” Chinen looked up at him and he saw how Yamada’s eyes glistened against the moonlight. “I want to ask you again. _How_ are you?”  


Yamada slid his arm upwards until his hand met with Chinen’s and intertwined them. “I am trying, but I promise, tomorrow, I will be okay.”  


Being satisfied with that answer, Chinen grinned at him before he let himself be pulled up.  


When they returned to the room, there wasn’t much left to do since they were already packed and was just waiting to leave. Yamada groaned as he stretched his arms before diving in to the bed.  


“Ryosuke!” Chinen exclaimed while laughing because he got surprised by the thud Yamada’s contact with the bed made. “The next bus to Tokyo will arrive in thirty minutes. You better get up now if you want to earn something tomorrow.”  


Yamada groaned before he patted the space next to him. “We _still_ have thirty minutes, Yuri. The bus stop is just a minute walk from here. Come here first, please?”  


Chinen had to put his hands on his waist as he rolled his eyes at Yamada. “If you’re planning to nap, I am telling you we won’t be able to get home tonight.”  


“No, we’re not. Just come here first.”  


“You’re not going to do something naughty?”  


Yamada teasingly tilted his head to a side as he pulled off a thinking face just to be thrown at with a pillow. “Just kidding, Yuri!”  


“You better must!” shouted Chinen before laying himself next to Yamada.  


“Let’s just be like this for a while, can’t we?”  


“Well, if that’s what you want.”  


Ten minutes had passed and Chinen had to slap himself before he could fall asleep. He sat up and looked back at Yamada who was almost dozing off. He shook his body gently and Yamada sleepily opened his eyes. He didn’t say anything and just sat up as well.  


They left the hotel shortly after that and walked their way to the bus stop in complete silence except the calming sound of the ocean and the cries of the crickets. It was peaceful, a little cold, but it was once again one of those silent moments where everything felt right.  


Yamada reached for Chinen’s hand and held it to intertwine with him. Chinen didn’t react but held his hand as well while leaning his head on his upper arm.  


“Unspoken thing,” Yamada mumbled to himself and smiled while shaking his head, secretly.


	2. Part Two

The bus’s last drop off was at Shinjuku Station.  


Chinen next to Yamada was asleep almost half of the time they were travelling by land while he hadn’t blinked an eye to get some sleep. Their hands were still intertwined as they still shared with the earbuds to listen to some ballad songs.  


Yamada waited for the remaining passengers to go down before he caressed Chinen’s face gently to wake him up. “Yuri, we’re here.”  


Chinen moved his head until he found another comfortable position, and then wrapped his arms around Yamada’s waist. “Ryosuke, few more minutes, please...”  


Yamada smirked while shaking his head. “No, Yuri. We’re in the bus, not in the room, so please wake up now. If you still want to earn something tomorrow or perhaps later since it’s past 12 midnight, then get up now, please.”  


Chinen’s arms wrapped even tighter around Yamada as if he was stretching his arms but apparently, he wasn’t. When he let go, he looked up at Yamada with a pout. “I get up every morning for the sake of earning. Money is everything.”  


“Whatever you say, money-lover,” mumbled Yamada as he removed their earbuds and kept his iPod in his pocket. He stood up to give Chinen the way. “You can come down first while I get our stuff.”  


Chinen nodded his head, without saying anything, before he sleepily walked out of the bus.  


Not long after, Yamada went down with their bags both on his shoulders and Chinen went over to him to get his bag.  


“Are we parting here?”  


Yamada shrugged his shoulders while hid hands were clutching on the straps of his bag. “How about I walk you home?”  


Chinen furrowed his eyes a little, obviously not yet completely back to his senses. “Your place is like almost thirty minutes away. Get some rest, Ryosuke.”  


“It’s fine. Besides I have no train schedule I need to catch up since they’re already closed. Please, Yuri? Let me walk you home tonight.”  


“Aside from all the things that happened today, you are also being clingier than usual.”  


“You don’t like it?”  


Chinen hit him on the arm before he wrapped his arm around his waist. “I will kill that someone who’d say they don’t like it.” He clicked his tongue and went on, “They don’t appreciate the people beside them. Thankfully, I do, so let’s get going now and please no stopover in any food stall, okay?”  


“Not even for a crepe or some dessert?”  


Chinen nudged Yamada on his side until they were few inches apart each other. “I knew it! That’s why you wanted to walk me home just so you can have some place where you can eat something your stomach is craving for! And crepe this late at night?! You think there will be any store open?! Here I believe you really wanted to walk me home because you cared and you wanted to be with me!”  


Yamada laughed while shaking his head in protest, “Of course not!”  


Chinen instantly dart his glaring eyes at him.  


“I mean, I want to walk you home not just because I want to eat something. But it’s because I want to walk you home and be with you, because I care for you, and because I want to eat at someplace _with you_.”  


“You always know what to say to get me, Yamada Ryosuke!” retorted Chinen when he failed to keep his angry face after what Yamada told him.  


Yamada just smiled and grabbed Chinen’s hand to hold. “Let’s go.”  


As they were walking at the streets of Shinjuku, they were once again covered in silence. Though it was obvious there were no crepe stores open at midnight, Chinen was kind of expecting Yamada would prefer to drop by at McDonald’s or Starbucks to have some sugar, weirdly at midnight, but Yamada was just walking next to him, still holding his hand, and wasn’t even looking around for any store open that would sell whatever he was craving for.  


He squeezed Yamada’s hand and turned to look at him. “Ryo—”  


“Yuri, about earlier—”  


They both said in unison and stopped midway upon realization.  


“You go on, Ryosuke.”  


Yamada sighed and pulled him closer to him. “I am aware that I was really complicated since we met up at the station. The thing is...” He stopped as he bit his bottom lip then sighed. “Yesterday, I met up with my dad.”  


Chinen’s eyes widened as his grip on Yamada’s hand loosened a little. He stopped on his pace, so was Yamada. “Ehhh?! Y-your dad?!”  


Yamada nodded. “Surprising, right?”  


“It is! I mean, after what, 10 years and he contacted you to meet?”  


“That’s what happened, yeah.”  


Chinen just looked at Yamada as he didn’t know what to say. It was quite difficult for him to digest what he just heard.  


_He met up with his dad. His dad who didn’t show up for 10 years. His dad he and auntie had no idea if still alive or what. He—he met up with him! Ryosuke’s most-awaited day had come!_  


When Chinen felt a response was needed, he gulped and brought himself back to his senses. “H-how was it? What did you feel? Uhm…how is he? And…how are you?”  


Yamada shrugged before he tugged Chinen’s hand as a signal for them to keep walking. “I was happy when I knew it was him. I wanted to cry and break down right at that moment because, finally, all the questions my mother and I had for years about his well being was at some point answered. A puzzle piece has been found among all the other missing pieces.  


“I haven’t told my mom and I have no plan of telling her. I don’t want to visit her to tell her something that won’t be of help for her because when I met him, I realized he hasn’t changed even a tad bid, that ba—” he inhaled and went on, “that bastard. He is still the same man who left and hurt us without explanation and he is so much worse.”  


Chinen’s eyebrows met as he felt his heart break. He still had no idea of what made Yamada say that, but he knew he wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. He had a feeling that their meeting didn’t go well, a meeting that Yamada had been wishing for 10 years, and he felt bad as well.  


“At first, he was all kind. He was asking about me and all the fucking things he missed for 10 years and I was there stupidly seated before him, eagerly telling him the ten-year worth of stories he missed for less than ten minutes because I wanted him to know me. He is still my dad and I missed him so much. Can you imagine the excitement I felt? For once, I thought my father cared for us all this time. For once, I thought he would want to be back in our lives because I’d welcome him again, but I was wrong.  


“During our meal, he was trying to explain himself about what he did to us 10 years ago. He said he was sorry and all, but later on, he started telling shit about my mother, blaming her for everything that happened to us, that she was the reason why he left. He said my mother was a liar and she was sick in the head that he couldn’t handle her anymore. Fuck him, why did he marry my mother at the first place if he had a problem with her personality? You getting me, Yuri?”  


Chinen gulped while he nodded his head. He held Yamada’s hand tighter because his emotions were at the brink of bursting out. Yamada was angry and Chinen knew he felt so rejected, and perhaps regretting, for what became the outcome of their meeting because if it were Chinen in his shoes, he would feel and react the same.  


“He was fucking putting all the blame on my mother, not thinking of how much she sacrificed just for the two of us, for me when he wasn’t around! And do you know what hurt me the most? He told me about his new family and he wanted me to meet them and perhaps live with them since he found out where mom was! Does he think he can just simply patch up what he did by showing up and by trying to make me believe it was mom’s entire fault? Fuck him! Fuck him, _really_! I pray he’d go to hell and rot there!”  


“Ryosuke...” was what Chinen could only afford to say before he pulled Yamada in to a hug and rubbed his back for comfort. He could feel Yamada’s heavy breathing due to his outburst and soon after, he felt warm tears falling on his shoulder.  


He exhaled and then held Yamada tighter because that was what he could only do as of that moment. He was still in the process of processing everything he heard because in the entire time since Yamada’s father left him, he had witnessed and had heard Yamada about what he wanted to do once he met his father again. And realizing all those hopes and plans Yamada had for his dad collapsing, he could feel his world collapsing, too. Yamada surely had a lot on his plate, despite unspoken, and if his father would add up, which surely did already, it would be much harder for Yamada to cope up again. He would be there for him, common knowledge, but he was sure it wouldn’t be easy for Yamada.  


Yamada’s father left him and his mother 10 years ago without saying anything. He had seen how his mother went through hell as she questioned herself over and over again of what went wrong or if it was her fault their marriage failed. Sometimes, she would lash things on him just because she had no one to vent her emotions to and he would let her because he thought it was helpful. Until the time came it took a toll on her. He was at school when his mother was seen on top of their apartment’s building and people suspected she was planning to jump off. He was called to the head’s office for a phone call telling him that his mother was being confined to a mental institution. He wanted to see her so bad, but he wasn’t allowed to visit and after almost three weeks of not seeing her, after she was secluded in a room while being assessed and be diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder, she admitted everything she was planning and all the things she had done to destroy herself to him. He was broken and he didn’t know what to do because for almost 5 years after his father left them, he had seen how much his mother was trying to be okay for his sake. He had seen her worst time, but he thought she was able to cope up when it was just all a façade, so she wouldn’t worry him. He didn’t notice any sign or any symptom that would lead her mother to plan jumping off a building to get rid of herself or for her to keep cutting herself in any part of her body just so she would have something to vent her emotions to. He didn’t notice anything that would lead to what happened and he blamed himself for it. If he had been more cautious, if he had cared enough for his mother, then nothing of that would have happened. He shouldn’t be what he was. He should have her by his side and not living his life alone for the past 5 years. Although he had Chinen, it was still different to have his mother beside him.  


“If he didn’t leave us…then it wouldn’t have triggered my mom to do what she did. She wouldn’t be in a mental institution being treated for a disorder that I don’t even know if it is being treated or not because I couldn’t see an improvement. We shouldn’t be like this. How…how dare he blame my mother when he was the root cause of all the shit that had happened and still happening? How dare he…”  


Chinen just continuously rubbed him on the back for comfort because his brain couldn’t process everything. He didn’t know what to do, what to say, even. Because just like Yamada, he didn’t expect that the father he had been dying to meet again would appear after 10 years just to make him feel the worst. That would be heartbreaking, would be so painful, because it hurt more when it was the person you loved and desired most who would betray you.  


“No matter how ugly meeting your father became, maybe that was already what would fill in the missing pieces. It may not be the answer you were wishing for, but it’s still an answer. Sometimes, we question something without realizing it has been long answered because we have an answer we are expecting. But maybe with what happened, you can start moving on. You can go on in your life without question about your father anymore. It’s painful for now and it will be difficult. You are angry. But those will subside as time passes by as long as you don’t let them take over you. It will be hard and if the time comes it will take a toll on you, I am with you and I will help you, okay?” Chinen said, feeling the tears in his eyes as well because he knew it was another challenge for Yamada to go through.  


Yamada embraced him tighter as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. He didn’t move afterwards. He didn’t say anything. They stayed in that position in the street, not minding the few people who passed by them.  


Yamada pulled away when he started to calm down, and laughed, “This is the second time I cried to you, Yuri.”  


“You can cry to me any time you want,” said Chinen as he grabbed Yamada’s hand and held it tight before walking forward.  


Ten minutes after and they reached Chinen’s place. They were standing by the entrance of the building, Chinen fiddling on the hem of Yamada’s jacket with a pout on his face.  


“You sure not going to stay for the night? It’s late,” Chinen said, sulking.  


Yamada shook his head without hesitation, making Chinen’s pout to grow longer, if possible. “I can take a cab from here. I have some few things to do when I get home.”  


“You should have not walked me home, so it will be easier to let you go.”  


“Are you regretting it?”  


“No,” said Chinen while his shoulders fell, “But is it important? What you’re going to do?”  


“ _Very_ important.”  


Chinen sighed while he let go of the hem of Yamada’s jacket, but his pout was still visible. “Well, who am I to force you, right? If it’s important, then it’s important. Make sure to call me when you get home, okay? Or text me if call is impossible.”  


Yamada nodded his head with his eyes closed, like how a kid would obey to his mother’s orders. He reached towards Chinen and patted his head with a warm smile on his face.  


Chinen’s pout turned into a smile that reflected Yamada’s. “Ryosuke, thank you for today. I had tons of fun and I hope you had fun as well.”  


“It was fun, Yuri, because I have you with me. Thank you for coming to what you called “emergency” trip that you had to leave those adult responsibilities just to be with me.”  


“Well, like what you said, I cannot resist you and I will always choose you, okay?”  


Yamada’s hand that was on Chinen’s head slid down to his shoulder and then held him by his nape, leaning in to give him a kiss on his lips. It was deep and long, like a last kiss and when Yamada pulled away, he gave another kiss but on Chinen’s forehead.  


“Thank you so much, Yuri. I may not be able to be with you tonight, but I _promise_ you that tomorrow, I will be okay. Better, even. That’s why thank you for everything, for what you’ve done to me all this time. Tomorrow, it will be different, okay?”  


Chinen smiled while nodding his head, even if a part of him couldn’t understand what Yamada was trying to say, but he got the gist of it. That was one of the things he liked about Yamada. He knew the best for himself that was why he tried to help himself to be better. “Tomorrow.”  


Yamada then pulled him in for a long hug, a comforting one, that even when Chinen tried to pull him away when he felt they had been hugging unusually for a long time, he just held him tighter as if there was no letting go.  


“Ryosuke, I told you, you can stay for the night. We cannot be in this position for so long because you need to be home for that _important_ something you need to do. It will be harder for me to let you go. I am giving you an offer—” Chinen stopped when Yamada pulled away while chuckling.  


“Okay, okay. I didn’t know you wanted me to go so bad.”  


“Of course not! I mean, it’s late already and you didn’t want to stay over.”  


“Well, I think I need to go now or else I will end up giving in because of your sulking face.”  


Chinen hit him on the arm. “Hey!” He crossed his arm while pouting. “You call a cab and I’ll wait here.”  


Yamada then turned to walk to the sidewalk where cabs could see him easily. Not long after, a cab hailed in front of him and he told the driver to wait for a while. He then exhaled heavily before turning to march towards Chinen. “So, I need to go now.”  


Chinen frowned at him and then laughed hard, hitting him on his arm. “We’re not at the airport, for your information, Yamada Ryosuke! You are just going home.”  


“But I’ll _miss_ you.”  


Chinen flushed instantly as he avoided looking at Yamada. “You know I’ll miss you, too.”  


“And Yuri, before anything else…” Yamada stopped as he bit his lower lip.  


“Hmm?”  


Yamada cupped his face with his both hands and leaned in. “I love you, you know that, right?”  


Chinen eyes widened. It wasn’t the first time Yamada had told him that, but it was the first time he felt it was real. It wasn’t the kind of I love you that two best friends say to each other. It was the kind of I love you of two people in a romantic relationship would say to each other, though in their case was something they couldn’t name. It was making his heart swell both in happiness and at the same time sadness because no matter how much he wanted to spend longer time with him, they couldn’t.  


“And you know I love you, too, right? We don’t say it this way, but we _always_ know it.”  


Yamada nodded his head with a grin on his face. “Please always keep in mind that I love you and I will always love you.”  


Chinen instantly felt his throat tightening. He gulped hard as he blinked. Yamada’s words were sweet that he wanted to cry in happiness and that he wanted to pull him in the building and lock him up in his room, so he didn’t need to go, but the tears wouldn’t just come out because something was feeling not right.  


“Hey,” he whispered. “I will always love you, Ryosuke, okay?”  


Yamada then pulled away while caressing Chinen’s face before walking away backwards. “Tomorrow, everything will be different, but I will still love you the same, Yuri.”  


Chinen grinned while he covered his face with the back of his hand, the other hand gesturing Yamada to go. “Just go now! You are making it hard for me to breathe with your words!”  


When Yamada’s back gently bumped the cab, he stopped and stood straight, waving a hand at Chinen with a smile. “Good bye, Yuri.”  


“Good bye, Ryosuke. Text me when you get home, okay?”  


“You’ll be asleep before I even get home.”  


“Still, text me when you get home! I’ll read it the next day to put me at peace!”  


Yamada nodded his head before he turned around to get in. He held the knob of the door for a while until his grip became tighter.  


_Should I go or stay? God…_  


He took a blow of air outward and then hopped inside the cab as the answer to his question inside his head.  


Chinen watched until the cab took a turn to the right and was no longer in his sight. He sighed because he felt heavy that Yamada had to leave. He really wanted him to stay over and cuddle until morning, but he couldn’t get what he wanted. Besides, he could just call him over if he wasn’t busy anymore, although he still hated how empty his arms felt.  


He walked inside the apartment and took the stairs to his room at the third floor and as he got in, he saw the cherry blossom tree and smiled at it.  


“Tadaima,” he greeted.  


He walked towards the bed and tossed his bag above his nightstand before slumping himself on the bed. He was too tired to get his change of clothes and shower. After all, he had to wake up in few hours, so he wouldn’t mind succumbing to the sleep awaiting him even if it wasn’t hygienic.

 

 

Chinen groaned in his sleep when he could faintly hear his alarm clock. He punched the switch off and lay in his bed for a couple of minutes until he was fully awake and was in his complete senses, noticing the rain was pouring really hard.  


“Weather forecast said today only has 10% possibility of rain, now look at it pouring so hard like someone died,” he mumbled as he got up from his bed that was trying to invite him for a longer sleep because it was raining. “Hate going to work while raining.”  


He walked towards his closet to get his work uniform and before he could get in his bathroom, he heard his phone ringing. He turned to look for it and realized he didn’t bring it out from his bag before he fell asleep.  


He scratched the back of his neck as he walked towards his nightstand and fished for his phone inside. When he felt it in his hand, he pulled it out and noticed Yamada’s ugly face flashing on the screen. He answered the call and watched his bag fall on the floor, a blue envelope slipping out from it.  


He frowned, wondering if he had that envelope in his bag when he was packing the previous day but he couldn’t remember anymore, before saying something on his line, “Ryosuke, tell me this is not another “emer—“  


He stopped when he felt there was a dead air on the other line, but he could hear the sound of an ambulance mixing with the heavy downpour. His heart suddenly started banging inside his chest as he felt a growing lump in his throat. “R-ryosuke?”  


“Hello?” A man with a familiar voice answered, but surely not Yamada’s.  


“Who—who’s this?”  


“Chinen-kun…” the man murmured.  


Chinen’s eyes grew as he immediately felt something was wrong. “Macchi-san?”  


Macchi-san, the owner of the apartment building Yamada was living at, sniffed. “Uhmm…I don’t know where to start…”  


“What happened? Whe-where’s Ryosuke?  


“He-he’s…119 came…”  


His mouth trembled and felt the sting behind his eyes as the tears started accumulating. He gulped the growing lump in his throat but to no avail. “119? W-wait, is Ryosuke there? And…and how did you call me using his phone? That’s password-protected…”  


He felt the warm tears roll down his face and for the first time, he literally didn’t know what to do. His stomach was turning, his heart was banging in his chest and making it difficult for him to breathe, and his tears kept on falling. To calm down was definitely not in his vocabulary.  


“A-ambulance came and started asking about the person living at the second floor which is Yamada-kun’s room…” Macchi-san paused and Chinen wanted to run to Yamada’s place but he couldn’t even move his feet because for 119 to come over looking for Yamada, he knew something bad happened to him. What was it, he didn’t know.  


He immediately checked his phone if there was an unread message, perhaps a text or call for help, but there was none, so he started to create possibilities in his head of what happened. Did something happen on his way home? Did the cab driver try to rob him and he fought back? If yes, how did the driver look like? Did he stab him? Did he shoot him? How—  


“Macchi-san, _please_ tell me what happened…” Chinen interrupted his thoughts when it was starting to overwhelm and scare him.  


“The resident from the apartment across the building, across Yamada-kun’s room, called 119. He woke up this morning and when he was having a coffee by his window, he saw Yamada-kun in his room…Chinen-kun, I…”  


“Macchi-san, please!” Chinen cried out as he grabbed his hair in frustration.  


“Ya-yamada-kun was seen hanged on the ceiling in his room and…and when 119 came and tried to rescue him, he…he was already gone. I…I am sorry, Chinen-kun, I _am_ sorry… I will come and—”  


Chinen collapsed on the floor and threw his phone against the wall. He clenched his fists tight into a ball and felt his entire body, his entire being, breaking and falling apart. He wanted to cry harder. He wanted to shout loud enough to ease the pain he was feeling inside. But he couldn’t understand why he couldn’t unleash all the pain when it was very much needed.  


“How…Ryosuke, how…why…” He cried out until his body curled into a ball. “Whyyyyy?!” He shouted with all his might with the hope to overtop the heavy downpour, so maybe Yamada could hear his cry, so maybe Yamada would come back, or maybe it would wake him up from that nightmare.  


Everything that happened and everything that Yamada told him was starting to drown him and eventually he arrived at an answer. Answer to why Yamada started giving his possessions away and it wasn’t because his clothes didn’t fit him anymore and it wasn’t because the necklace would be safer with him, but it was because he needed someone to take care of his possessions once he was gone. Answer to why Yamada started doing things he feared most and it wasn’t because he was turning 25 he needed to accomplish a lot, but it was because it was the only and the last chance he had. Answer to why Yamada didn’t want to plan his upcoming birthday and it wasn’t because it didn’t excite him, but it was because he wouldn’t even be able to celebrate it anymore. Answer to why Yamada was unusually affectionate in words and in actions because it was the only chance left where he could convey to him what he was feeling. And answer to why the younger Yamada was able to say he couldn’t see himself living until 25. Chinen had spent years trying to figure out the meaning behind it when all those times, it just meant as it was. It wasn’t a metaphor or some kind of figure of speech, but it was the literal meaning of it. Yamada didn’t see himself living until 25 because at such young age, he had already made up in his mind his life expectancy. At such young age, he already knew what he would do before he turned 25 and that made Chinen grieve even more. The signs were there but he didn’t see through them. How could a young Yamada thought of taking his own life when Chinen at such young age was just thinking about what he wanted to accomplish and do once he got older? When Yamada told him he hated being confronted or how he hated telling sad stories that was why he didn’t like opening up, he shouldn’t have just believed him. He shouldn’t have tried pushing his worries and questions aside just because he thought there were other chances, because _apparently_ there was none. He should have tried harder for him. He should have tried breaking through his barricades and insisted to know the truth because he might have been of help, and not when it was already too late. Yamada might have changed his mind about taking his own life if he just became persistent on wanting to know what was inside his head. Because if he did, maybe he was able to turn the tables around together with him, maybe he was still with him. That was what he kept telling Yamada—that he was with him in whatever he was going through—and yet Yamada left alone. He left him alone. However, he couldn’t be mad at him. He could finally see the sense on what Yamada said the previous night. _‘Tomorrow, I will be okay. Better, even,’_ was what he said and Chinen hated to admit how he failed to see beyond those words. Yamada didn’t mean that _tomorrow_ , he would feel better and be his own self. He meant that _tomorrow_ , he would be okay and it would all be different because _tomorrow_ , he didn’t have to deal with whatever demon he was dealing with inside him. _Tomorrow_ was the end of all what he was going through and that was the _tomorrow_ he would be finally _okay_ —the _tomorrow_ he was going to take his own life to end everything that was making his life hard for him.  


_How stupid, Chinen, how stupid…_  


Chinen was only back to his senses when he heard the banging on his door and the person shouting his name. It was Macchi-san. However, he sat up and pretended he was hearing nothing because he needed no one. He didn’t need to be comforted, he didn’t need to feel good, because there was no way he would be okay.  


His eyes then fell at the blue envelope that slipped off from his bag. He wiped his nose with the back of his face before he took the envelope and opened it, smelling a familiar perfume sprayed on it. And just by that, he knew who it came from. It was the only brand of perfume Yamada used and Chinen always liked the smell of it, thus Yamada never dared to change it.  


He pulled out the piece of paper and unfolded it, being welcomed by Yamada’s ugly and messy handwriting. He didn’t read it right away when he felt the tears coming back again. He held it close to his chest and cried out.

 _To my only Yuri,_  


_I know that once you’ve read this, I had already taken my own life. And before I say anything else, I wanted to let you know that none of this is your fault. Please never blame yourself because I did it for my own sake. I did it because that was the only solution I had ever seen. I did it to stop the demons from dominating my emotions, my life, again. And by stopping those demons will I be finally okay.  
_

_Yuri, I had been with you for almost my entire life and you had brought me nothing but joy until the end. You were the only best thing that ever happened to me and you had proven to me that I wasn’t alone in this fight, despite of what happened to my family, to my mom, and to me. You remained true to me until the end and I was beyond thankful for all the things you had done for me. They all helped me because I would have taken my life earlier but because you were there, I didn’t. But 25—turning 25—was the only deadline I could give to myself. No matter how much I wanted to change it, I just couldn’t because there were decisions in our life that we couldn’t change anymore because even before, we had already made up our mind to do it.  
_

_I know it wasn’t a good idea to leave like this—to leave you like this. We had a lot of questions, a lot of unspoken things, and I wanted to be honest with you. I love you, Yuri. I love you more than anything else. It wasn’t the love two best friends had for each other, but the love two people had in a romantic relationship. But I didn’t say anything to you. I didn’t properly and honestly convey my feelings for you because, at the beginning, I didn’t want to put any label to it. I didn’t want to call it anything because I didn’t want to have that commitment when I knew I’d just leave you at the end. I thought it would be easier for you to move on when there was no label we were holding on to. I let it keep as our unspoken thing because I had seen that was better for us, especially for you. Or maybe I was just scared—scared that it might change my mind once we put label to it. It was ironic, right? People fear death while I fear not meeting death.  
_

_I am really sorry, Yuri. You had been with me through all the shits in my life, yet I left you alone with this shit. You may think I am a coward or I am selfish. But believe me, I was close to giving up on myself a lot of times but didn’t because I still had a lot of things to do with you. Maybe it just became too much already? Or maybe because I had experienced enough with you that I didn’t feel the need to stop **it** this time. I hope you’ll understand me one day, Yuri. It may not be easy for now, but one day it will. I didn’t leave you to make you suffer, or to make anyone suffer. I didn’t leave you because I didn’t appreciate and see all the things you did to help me. I left because I promise you that it would be much easier for me tomorrow. And this means tomorrow. This means the end of all the pain and I assure you I am never better.  
_

_Yuri, you were the only person I loved and you will forever be the only person in my heart. Please remember that, even just that, okay? From now on, I wish you a happier life. You may think it is impossible for now, but like the saying, it won’t rain forever. Let time heal you. Let my love for you heal you because you may not see me, but I will always be with you.  
_

_I love you so much, Yuri, and no one else._  


_Until we meet again,_  


_Ryosuke_

 

Chinen’s tears fell even heavier than the downpour as the letter crumpled in his hand. His upper body bent until his face touched the floor and he didn’t care about time. He didn’t care about working or even earning money. He didn’t care about himself. All he cared was to mourn and cry out all the pain as his world fell apart on him even if crying was not something that would lift the burden at that moment.  


After all, nothing could mend the heartbreak of losing someone you loved the most.  


Yamada was gone and starting _today_ , it would all be different, but Chinen knew he would be okay.

 

 

~**~ 

There are a lot of things in this world left unspoken. We see actions, but we do not see enough and we do not hear everything. You may see someone laughing but is actually secretly carrying the world on his back. What I am trying to say is, what we see is always not reflective of what the person is experiencing inside. Sometimes, a greater pain is hidden inside and yet they conceal it with a smile. Someone might be laughing with you today, but will be gone tomorrow. That’s why you don’t ignore someone who is struggling just because you don’t see enough. As long as you still have the chance to make the person feel they are not alone and to validate their struggles (AND NOT MAKE IT INTO A COMPETITION), grab it because you may not have another chance next time. Always focus on today, always do what you can do for today because it might be the last chance and you might be too late.  


And to you—yes, you—who cannot escape from their prison, you are not alone in your battle. The people around you may make you feel like you are the only person against it, then try to look closer around you. Try to look next to you because that person might have been with you in all your battles yet you didn’t see it. Try to look up and see there is someone up there who is with you no matter what. Try to look in the mirror and see yourself—the person who is capable of change, who is capable to be better one day. What you are feeling, what you are experiencing, it is okay to feel them but no rain is forever. You can always keep trying and trying, but failing does not mean the end. Failing opens up new doors you can enter, that’s why you give yourself a chance at life and make yourself your utmost priority all the time. After all, no one else deserves multiple or infinite chances but yourself because you matter most.


End file.
